


Numb

by Daoko



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drug Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Recreational Drug Use, Shotgunning, chrollo is NOT a good guy he’s just charming, kurapika but he’s....severely depressed & anxious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:55:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26512528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daoko/pseuds/Daoko
Summary: If anyone asked Kurapika how things escalated the way they did, he'd already be too far gone to say. Not that anyone else could have seen this coming.-do this 'till you're fucking on with meleave it behind, it's all goneif you really wanna let it golet it
Relationships: Feitan/Kurapika (Hunter X Hunter), Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer/Kurapika
Comments: 24
Kudos: 75





	1. Affection

**Author's Note:**

> here's a Spotify [playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0RpgipPHgDWL2ijK3FF3Wz?si=qsEP-xzSSNaMUgkCwWtGzQ) my sis made for this fic! 
> 
> here's the YouTube [one](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2vOmBcmJgqZQXIYH8Xb6oJG5gOdBFOCL)
> 
> enjoy!

_boy, I'm looking for affection in all the wrong places_   
_And we'll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces_

If anyone asked Kurapika how things escalated the way they did, he'd already be too far gone to say. Not that anyone else could have seen this coming. He was the perfect child, made straight As, on his way to finish college courses at age seventeen, even while working part time. His peers sought him out whenever they needed help, and he would smile so sweetly while agreeing. It goes without saying he was popular, girls and boys alike flocked to tell him how in love they were. Even his rejection was kind, his classmates still confessed—despite his reputation of declining — just to hear his angelic voice say _“I'm sorry,”_ with a heartfelt expression detailed on his face.

In the past, he always turned them down because he knew a relationship would only get in the way of his responsibilities. A few weeks ago, he turned them down because there was someone in his life that he found himself adoring. Now, his rejections were fueled by pure sorrow.

"Kurapika," Leorio had called out to him as he laid in bed with puffy, red eyes and tear-stained cheeks, rubbing his back circular, comforting motions. "That dude was fuckin' awful anyway. You don't need people like that in your life, y'know?"

Leorio was a good friend, really Kurapika's only close friend at this point. He would consider himself close with these kids he babysat frequently but this situation wasn't appropriate to mention to them—they were only twelve afterall.

Maybe that's why, when Leorio started insisting on taking him to a party, he felt inclined to agree to go. He had Kurapika's best interests in mind and Kurapika has always, always, always denied his invitations to social events so it was only felt fair after Leorio had put in so much effort to help him over this heartbreak.

Kurapika tells his parents that he's sleeping over at Leorio's, because they're more than a little overbearing. Any party would undoubtedly be out of the question. He's lucky they like Leorio enough, that's the only thing allowing him to stay the night.

He picks out his outfit as Leorio texts him that he's on his way. It consists of a thin, pale blue—almost white, really—button up and a dark green pullover, paired with black, mid-waisted jeans and white sneakers. The finishing touches were thick metal rings on his index, middle, and pinkie fingers on each hand with chains attached to his belt loops. Then he stared in the mirror on his desk, fussing with his hair till he was satisfied. All that was left was to grab his backpack and wait for Leorio to pick him up.  
  


"You look great!" Leorio exclaims as Kurapika climbs into the passenger seat, giving his shoulder a playful slap. Sheepishly, Kurapika rubs the back of his neck with an awkward laugh.

"Thanks. You look the same as usual." He quipped back, eyeing Leorio's typically white button and blue slacks with a raised brow.

"Hey! I know you're nervous but leave my style out of it! This is the only fit I can really pull off," Leorio grumbled, rather comically, gripping the steering wheel tight as he whips his head from Kurapika back to the road.

It's comforting, how goofy his friend can be, Kurapika doesn't bother trying to stifle his laughter. Leorio's smile stretches impossibly wide when he hears it, because these moments are few and far between as of late. Kurapika has hardly been happy, if he's not stressed, then he's fatigued. If he's neither of those, then he's dejected. As someone who cares for him, Leorio find it too hard to watch.

"This party'll do wonders for you, I just know it," Leorio gives an affirmative nod, almost like he's saying it to himself since it only comes out as a mumble. Kurapika can't bring himself to reply but he smiles as he nods back.

The ride isn't too long and Kurapika can tell its a rich neighborhood, all the houses are nothing short of expansive. Kurapika realizes he doesn't actually know who's house they're at now. He was too nervous to have really paid enough attention until they pull up.

"Who's house is this?" He turns to ask Leorio before they get out of the car.

"I—uh, actually don't know. Hisoka invited me, but I know this ain't his place."

"Hisoka? He's a huge creep." Kurapika already feels tendrils of hesitation curl around his mind. Surely, associates of that man couldn't be trustworthy company.

"I know, I know, but he knows a lot of cool people. I doubt you'll even run into him, this place is huge! Don't even worry about it!" Leorio turns the car off and opens the door to hop out. "We're gonna have a great time so don't overthink it! C'mon, let's go!"  
  


It's been an hour and a half since they got there and Kurapika is * _not_ * any happier. In fact, he's rather upset because his ride home got fucking wasted and ran off with some girl with big, fluffy pink hair. Lerouge or whatever the hell her name was, he doesn't care because he's just so uncomfortable now. He might need to find someone sober who's nice enough to take him home but that's not an easy combination to find at this point in time. He's sitting on one of the couches in the living room, glaring at the ground like it could fix his situation, with a cup of beer in his hand. It tastes gross and he hasn't gotten past a few sips of it.

  
A girl nearby seems to notice his panic as she's walking out of the kitchen, stopping to stand in front of him.

"Hey, are you alright? You look, like, really upset," she asks, peering into his cup. "Oh, that stuff is super nasty. Is that why?"

Her voice snaps him out of his pissy gaze at the floor and he looks up at a girl with short black hair, with huge glasses and big, round eyes. For a moment, he just stares back at her, unsure of what to say.

"Do you want something else? My friends have some pretty nice vodka over there, if you want some."

"Oh no, its not that," he finally manages to say. "My friend just...ditched me and I don't really know what to do."

"Oooh, I see! That should make my offer even better, right?" She reaches down to grab his hands to pull him to a stand. Her strength catches him off guard and he's easily ensared as she continues to tug him to another room. Kurapika feels the pit in his stomach grow heavier but he doesn't resist her grip.

"Oh yeah, what's your name? Mine's Shizuku," she asks with a slight pause in her steps.

"I'm..Kurapika." It's a curt sentence, full of discomfort but Shizuku seems oblivious to it.

"Oh, nice, nice," is all she offers back as she makes way towards the stairs with him in tow.  
  


The next time she speaks, it's in front of her friends, introducing Kurapika.

"He got left behind by the only guy he knew here so I told him he should hang out with you guys." The room is a spacious loft, with a v-shaped couch in the corner and a plush chair nearby. Most of the space is occupied, save for one side of the couch. She directs him to sit there, next to another young man with stylishly messy, pitch black hair.

Then, Kurapika processes what she said and realizes the second person he knew—despite how briefly— is leaving him.

"Wait, where are you go—" he tries to ask but she's already pranced off, like her mind has already moved on to something else.

An older looking man with long hair, in a chair by the couch, closer to Kurapika, cackles. "Poor guy. Yeah, sorry, she's a little," he whistles, twirling his finger in circles near his head. Kurapika's jaw falls open in exasperation, unable to find any actual words to say. The man next to him laughs.

"Nobunaga, that's not very nice," the man chides with a smile before turning to Kurapika. "She's just clueless, please don't take any offense."

Kurapika takes a moment to look the man over properly, first noticing the bandage covering his forehead, stopping just short of his eyebrows. He wore a black turtleneck, donned with a desaturated blue bomber jacket that hung baggy over his frame. His pants were a darker grey, with intentional fraying at the knees, with laced-up, black leather boots with thick soles. They had a worn, rugged look to them, as if they're his favorite shoes that he can't seem to replace just yet.

"I won't then," Kurapika comments with faux confidence, because maybe he can fake it till he makes it for now, just until he can find someone to take him home. He'll humor these guys for the moment, so he can seek out the optimal one for the job.

The way the man laughs in response makes Kurapika feel like he's seen through him completely, in the most unnerving way. "Glad to hear it."

At that moment, this blonde kid—he looks young enough to be a kid, at least—hands the messy haired man a cigarette. Actually, as it gets closer to him, he realizes it's _not;_ its a joint.  
  


"Shizuku said your name was Kurapika, right?" The man asks casually as he lights the joint before inhaling smoothly. Kurapika finds himself a little too entranced with how the smoke falls from his lips and curls around in the air. He looks away too quickly, scrambling to answer.

"Uh, yeah, it is." The man laughs again, giving Kurapika that same, exposed feeling.

"I'm Chrollo," he says, taking another, deeper hit. It's an oddly beautiful name, truly fitting the man sitting next to him. He takes the joint between his fingers and offers it to Kurapika.

"You look like you need it," Chrollo adds with a small chuckle. His voice is soothing but the words make Kurapika frown.

"I really don't—" he starts before a man with slicked-back blonde hair and no eyebrows cuts him off.

"What, is it past your bedtime too?" He guffaws with his own joint between his lips. Kurapika's brows furrow, derailed from his original goal now.

"Give me that," Kurapika snaps, plucking it from Chrollo's pale fingers and holding his other hand out for the lighter.

Chrollo just shakes his head with a laugh and surrenders the lighter.

Focusing on the task at hand, Kurapika just remembers how Chrollo did it. It certainly didn't look arduous so he lights the joint and sucks _hard._ When he pulls away, its in a fit of coughing as the smoke feathers around his face. The room erupts with laughter, adding shame as a factor in making his face bright red.

  
"Baby's first hit! Don't sweat it man, happens to us all," Nobunaga offers but he's wiping a tear from his eyes while attempting to stifle his snickers. Kurapika just shoves the joint and lighter back in Chrollo's hands, turning his face away in indignation. It doesn't help that he's already feeling dizzy, distantly wondering how strong this stuff is. He doesn't think for long because Chrollo's grabbing his face to turn his head back over.

"Here, I'll help you." He lights the joint once more, filling his cheeks with smoke. Then his thumb tugs at Kurapika's bottom lip, surging forward to slot their lips together. Chrollo breathes it out, letting it flow in the other's mouth.

Kurapika's panicked, confused with these turn of events and he can barely react in time to properly inhale. The smoke he does catch goes in smoother this time, as if Chrollo took the blunt of the burn for him. The disorienting feeling in his head intensifies, only now it blooms into a pleasant haze that rolls through his whole body. His thighs shake as Chrollo licks his bottom lip in a slow but purposeful motion, looking down at Kurapika with lidded eyes. As he pulls back, the smoke around them dissipating, it feels like its just the two of them. Kurapika's sigh is shaky and its music to Chrollo's ears. But the moment is gone all too soon.

"Chrollo, you're doing shotguns? Me next!" The blonde kid shouts, wiggling in his seat all too giddy.

"Maybe later, Shal," Chrollo tells him, lighthearted but it's obvious that he has his eyes set on something else tonight now.

_  
"Chrollo's shotgunning right now? I want a turn!"_ These shouts are heard from downstairs and Chrollo makes a sound of something between a scoff and a laugh.

Kurapika can barely think but he's laughing, he can't stop, falling back into the lush cushioning of the couch with loud, airy giggles. He sits up, grabbing Chrollo's thigh to gain his attention. He's unaware of the way the other stiffens, immediately shifting to face the boy pawing at his lap.

"Can I—uh," he cuts himself off with a laugh. He feels so light and nice. It takes a good, conscious effort to make another attempt at his question. "Can I have another one?"

Chrollo smiles at him and its so beautiful that Kurapika almost gasps audibly. He actually might have but he doesn't have enough wits about him to dwell on it.

"A kiss or a hit?" He asks, stroking Kurapika's cheek with his knuckles. Kurapika hums with a grin, his face is starting to hurt from all the smiles and laughs.

"Yes." As soon as the answer comes out of his mouth, Chrollo's dragging Kurapika into his lap. Kurapika steadies himself by resting his hands on Chrollo's shoulders, letting out small giggles with a little 'whoa.' He doesn't know when Chrollo lit the joint but it's already between his lips and in the next moment, their mouths are already connected. Despite how out of touch he feels, he's ready this time to suck the smoke out of Chrollo's mouth this time. There's a little rush that washes over him, and Kurapika wonders why its taken him this long to ever discover these sensations.

"Uh, Chrollo, this stuff is kinda strong, especially for a newbie—" Nobunaga starts, looking over the boy cautiously before Chrollo stops him.

"Nobunaga. Stop talking." Chrollo's tone and smile are polite as ever but there's a layer of aggression hiding just beneath the surface. Kurapika feels his thighs tremble again. If he was processing the situation accurately, he would feel frightened, in some capacity. But instead, he feels secure. Like Chrollo won't let anyone get in the way of Kurapika's newfound bliss.

"Jesus," he presses his forehead against Chrollo's, feeling the texture of the bandages and closes his eyes, "you're really hot."

Chrollo huffs, sounding rather satisfied, and lifts his hands to rub up and down Kurapika's slender thighs.

They bask silently in this hasty embrace, until Kurapika's mouth gets dry enough to be noticeable uncomfortable. He leans back on Chrollo's legs.

"I need..to go get some water." He licks his lips, making Chrollo snigger and it makes him giggle too. "Be right back, okay?"

With that, Kurapika pries himself off the man. His gait is somewhat balanced, with only minor tottering, not extreme enough to cause concern. He heads for the stairs, holding onto the railing just for extra security.

"Chrollo, are you still shotgunning?" Kurapika hears that before bumping into a small figure on the staircase. He catches the sight of wild black hair and his eyes go wide.

_It can't be. It just can't. Anyone but him._

"Oh, it's you," is all Feitan says before finishing his climb up the stairs, leaving Kurapika with the excess of horrid feelings that he left when he abandoned Kurapika the first time.  
  


Kurapika descends almost two steps at the time, scrambling to get away from his ex-lover.

The same one he came to this party to _forget._

He runs into the first bathroom he can find, slamming the door shut. He finds purchase against the sink, bracing both his hands on it like its the only thing in this world that's keeping him from collapsing.  
  


The pleasant haze that coated his physical and mental being like a warm blanket was nothing but needles prickling every inch of his body and a sinking feeling in his gut, like the floor beneath him has caved in and he can't stop falling.

Kurapika turns the sink on, splashing his face with water, hoping the startling cold will give him a fracton of his composure back. He cups the water in his palms to drink, and it soothes the dryness in his mouth for a single moment. He leaves the bathroom, with intentions of returning to the bliss he found in Chrollo's arms.

Then he remembers what Feitan just said and a horrible, awful mental image invades his mind.

When he goes back upstairs, what will he find? Will he find Feitan so warmly seated in Chrollo's lap, just like he was a mere few minutes ago? At least he assumed it was a few minutes ago, his sense of time is so skewed and he doesn't even realize he's been in the bathroom for twenty minutes.

Kurapika is standing outside the bathroom now, just willing, just praying his body will move. It feels like he's trudging through the thickness of mud.

He has no claim over Chrollo. They've barely met. But he made Kurapika feel so pleasant in that brief time and the thought of seeing those two together is physically nauseating to him.Will Feitan take that away from him as well? All he can do is force himself forward and find out for himself.

He forces himself up the stairs and is grateful to see his spot next to Chrollo empty. However, Feitan hasn't left, he's sitting in the blonde's—Chrollo called him Shal, he thinks—lap. With a few tentative steps, Kurapika sits back where he previously was on the couch, deliberately keeping his gaze pointedly away from where Feitan was. It was childish and transparent to anyone with eyes that something was wrong between these two but for the most part, no one said a word about it. Chrollo, however, has a little confidence to try prying.

"Everything okay? You were gone for a while." He looks genuinely concerned and it's effectively charming. He must be doing that on purpose. But Kurapika has bigger concerns so he doesn't comment on that.

With a harsh swallow, he nods. "I didn't realize. I must be too high."

Kurapika forces a laugh, rubbing his forearm in a clear nervous motion. Chrollo turns to Feitan, showing him a confused expression, like he should explain what's going on. If there's anything that bothers Chrollo, not knowing something is high on the list.

"Chrollo, I'm not a mindreader. What." It doesn't remotely sound like a question. Feitan looks annoyed, because, obviously—in his eyes—this dumb boy is just fussing over spilt milk.

"It's nothing." Despite how much he wants to know, Chrollo has more tact than that, he could see how Kurapika started shaking when Feitan spoke. "Did Phinks roll you a joint yet? Machi's stuff is fantastic as always."

"Oh yeah! Lemme get you one, this shit is fuckin' awesome." Phinks jumps up to grab a metal box off a shelf next to the couch. Feitan just reclines further into Shal's lap, Kurapika only dares to steal glances every now and then. But Chrollo knows how to change the atmosphere, the way they all ease into conversation relieved the suffocating feeling that dominating the room moments ago.

Only when Chrollo wraps an arm around Kurapika's shoulder does he feel relaxed enough to look around the room normally. If Feitan had any thoughts about it, it didn't show on his features whatsoever. He looks as bored as usual, but his sharp eyes were still piercing to Kurapika like always.  
  


Kurapika looks over his ex, who looked as breathtaking as he usually did. He wore a cropped turtleneck, the sleeves reached well into his palms, giving his form a graceful, slender appearance. The black, baggy, low-rise jeans displayed his prominent hipbones and it should have been tantalizing sight but it was torture to Kurapika. His legs were crossed, adorning large black combat boots. Not to mention, he even wore his usual bandana, the one embellished with the skull and crossbones.

Phinks finishes packing the joint, handing it to Feitan, who's already equipped with a lighter, and takes his seat back by Shal.

"Shal, Chrollo wouldn't shotgun me so you do it," he demands, speaking in his slow, alluring tone as he places it between Shal's lips and ignites the lighter up between them. It gave the other no room for argument but he looks happy to comply anyway. Kurapika felt sick.

He felt sicker as he watches on in horror as Feitan straddles Shal, caging his thighs. Shal inhales, one of his hands gripping the exposed part of Feitan's waist, filling his mouth with smoke as Feitan leans in with his lips parted. He can see the way Shal pries Feitan's mouth open with his own. At this point, it hardly looks like the intended purpose was inhaling the weed, not with the way Feitan tugs at that blonde hair and groans into Shal's mouth.

Kurapika chokes out a gasp, rising to his feet abruptly before he runs out of the loft, downstairs and through the kitchen till he's out in the backyard. He doesn't know if he closed the door, because he immediately collapses on the stone ground of whoever's back porch this is. He couldn't feel it at the time but he realizes now that tears are cascading down his face, decorating the stone under him with little splashes. He heard voices before he ran out, sounds like Chrollo calling out his name, Feitan scoffing with some rude remark ready to slip off his tongue, but he blocked it all out, because he had to focus entirely on moving his feet, on carrying his body to just get _away._

He doesn't know how long he was there before a hand grasps his shoulder. No matter how gentle it was, Kurapika jerks away with a choked sob.  
  


"Leave me alone," he heaves out, his disproportionate breathing is rough enough to make him feel lightheaded but everything aches this time.

Whoever was grabbing doesn't say anything, just takes both of Kurapika's shoulders and whirls him around. With wide, red eyes, he's staring right into the deep abysses of Chrollo's eyes. The same eyes that see all the way through Kurapika.

He moves his hands to cup Kurapika's flushed cheeks, wiping the tears that are still leaking out with his thumbs. He can't bear to rip himself out of this comforting hold so he grabs both of Chrollo's wrists and sobs into his hands. And Chrollo lets him cry, until he just can't anymore. And once he reaches that point, he brings Kurapika's face close to his.

Kurapika can barely stand how sorrowful he looks, as if he can feel Kurapika's misery. So he gives all his attention to what this man is going to do next.

"Do you want me to make it better?" Chrollo asks in a hushes whisper. "Even if it's just for a little while?"

Kurapika nods without hesitation.

"Please," he rasps out, barely audible.

Honestly, he didn't actually know what Chrollo had in mind when he extended that offer to ease Kurapika's suffering. For a moment, he assumed he was going to be kissed again and he assumed that would help him, even if just for a second. But that's not what happened at first.

removes his hands and leans back, one hand fishing in his jacket pocket for something. He pulls out a little white thing, breaking a piece of it off. Then he places it in his own mouth and grabs Kurapika by the jaw, wrenching him into the kiss he was anticipating. He uses his tongue to push whatever was in his mouth under Kurapika's tongue, in quick, experienced maneuvers. It tastes awful and he tries to rip away but Chrollo's grip was firm on his jaw. He almost thought it would leave bruises so he ceases his resistance, but he makes a pleading sound into the other's mouth.

Almost as if he's rewarding him, Chrollo licks into his mouth, sliding his tongue across Kurapika's, then retreating to his bottom lip before he takes it into his own mouth.

Kurapika tries to calm himself, breathing heavily out of his nose but soon enough, Chrollo separates them.

"What the..fuck did you just give me? It tasted _dreadful._ " Kurapika uses the sleeve on back of his hand to wip the mixture of saliva on his chin. He tried to sound angry, like Chrollo had crossed a severe line but he just sounds breathless.

"It'll make you feel better, I promise," Chrollo rests his back on the house, holding Kurapika's hands to guide him closer. "If it doesn't, I'll never come near you again."

He wants to be mad, because forcefeeding someone drugs is undoubtedly, unforgivably fucked up but Chrollo has been the biggest comfort since he got to this party. Actually, it's been ages since he's ever felt as good as Chrollo had gotten him to feel. So he'll humor this, something under regular circumstances he never, ever would've.

So he lets Chrollo place him back into his lap, placing his hands on the man's chest.

"I know it tastes awful, trust me," he kisses up Kurapika's jaw. "But it'll kick in so much faster that way."

Those words leave a tingly feeling in hjs stomach. It's..exciting, because he desperately wants to feel better. To forget about his parents, about school, about Feitan, but mostly about overall just...not being happy. He feels more tears gather, daring to streak down his face once more.  
  


"You...promise I'll feel better?" His voice sounds unbelievably broken. He can't believe those words came out of his own mouth.

He's been miserable for a long time but he never sought any means of solace. Until now.

Chrollo peppers sweet kisses all over his face, on his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, before capturing his lips again. He doesn't let the taste lingering in the boy's mouth affect him—that'd hardly be fair—and spends the next few minutes kissing Kurapika silly.

It only took those few minutes for a peace Kurapika's never known before to wash over him.  
  


"Whoa," he whispers, his body feels heavy, but not in the way fatigue or stress did to him. Chrollo guides Kurapika's head to his shoulder, and his whole body follows in slumping against the other. He cards his fingers through blonde hair, and he hears Kurapika sigh in satisfaction.

"Mmm, please...yeah." His request hardly makes a lick of sense but Chrollo understands completely.  
  
  


"Yeah. I got you, baby, don't worry."


	2. Halfway to Nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternative title for this would be: life kicks kurapika in the ass for 3k words.
> 
> koorapika is now drowning in an indescribable emptiness

_how do you get out of bed in the morning?_   
_how do you wake to carry the day?_   
  
  
  


The next morning was disorienting, to say the very least. Kurapika sits up slowly, despite the ache in his body being almost nonexistent for once. He feels like he's in a dream.

The room is illuminated by a pale yellow, with the morning sun peeking through the curtains. Kurapika checks his phone to check the time. 10:47. He looks around the room, guessing he's still at the house that hosted the party but he considers the possibility that he may have ended up at Chrollo's. He doesn't think that's the case though, since the sheets lack the indication of anyone other than Kurapika sleeping in them. Unless Chrollo was enough of a gentleman to give him his own room for the night, which _was_ plausible. But considering how last night played out, they probably would've had too hard a time keeping their hands off each other.

He's still in the clothes he wore. The way his jeans drag against the sheets is less than appealing. However, someone took his pullover off. Its folded neatly on the nightstand, a small piece of paper laying atop it. He picks it up, unfolding it to reveal a message written in neat handwriting inside.

_×××-×××-××××_  
_call me when you need to feel better again._  
_-C_

Kurapika scoffs. He was out of his mind last night, there's no way he'd willingingly call this man for anything. He's grateful Chrollo took care of him that night but it was all too much for Kurapika. He's never going to put himself in situations like these. It doesn't matter how good it all felt. He'll forget all about it once he gets back to his normal routine, his normal life.

Right?

Right. There's no reason to second guess that.

A knock at the door rips him out of his thoughts, thankfully, but he feels flustered, unprepared to talk to another person.

"Uh, come in?" That feels sort of weird to say, considering it's not his house.

Regardless, the door opens to reveal a tall woman with shoulder-length blonde hair. Her arms are crossed, covered in an ashen cardigan that was long enough to brush her knees. Under that was some kind of black shirt, maybe a tank top. She smiles warmly at him before taking a few steps in, light on her feet in maroon flats and leggings.

Kurapika blinks at her dumbly, a little lost.

"I'm a close friend of Chrollo's," she explains—it's a good place to start.

Kurapika responds with a small "oh," nodding in understanding.

She strides forward till she reaches the bed, taking a seat near the edge, near Kurapika's legs. "He asked me to take care of you last night. Are you feeling alright?"

Another nod. He smiles back this time, feeling a touch more at ease now. Something about her feels disarming, trustworthy.

"I am, thank you. You're the one who hosted the party, right?" It feels rude, coming to a party when he had never even spoken to the home's owner first, but it was typical with parties like that. She obviously took no offense.

"Yes, me and my wife did. Would you like to have breakfast with us?" she offers and Kurapika can feel his stomach begging for him to take her up on it.

"I... actually really need to get home. I hate to cause more trouble, but I have no ride. My friend kind of... ditched me," he tells her, getting more frazzled the longer he talks. She laughs, a lovely, calm contralto in his ears.

"Of course, I'll take you home." She raises a finger. "On one condition."

Kurapika swallows nervously. What could she possibly want that he would have available to give?

"What is it?" He manages to speak, despite the familiar feeling of anxiety creeping up on him.

"Let me treat you to breakfast."  
  
  


In the duration of the ride home, he finds out her name is Pakunoda, she loves cats, and her wife's name is Machi. She was charming and polite while definitely firm with her boundaries. Kurapika thinks she's pleasant company and wishes he hadn't met her under terms that make him seem less than capable. He was grateful for the ride, and the food—she made a stop at some fast food place since Kurapika wanted to get home as soon as he could. When she pulls up to his home, he thanks her as sincerely as he can.

"You're quite welcome," she replies, adding, "anything for a friend of Chrollo's," in a pleasant voice. He had caught on that she cared very much for Chrollo as well, and it made him feel a bit weird when he thought about where he stood in that Chrollo's. They weren't exactly friends; they weren't even a hookup either.

Nevertheless, he returns her smile as he gets out of the car, giving a small wave as she drives off.

Once he's alone, he heaves a weighted sigh, turning to look at his house. His parents might wonder why he's in the clothes he wore yesterday, afterall they only think he's at Leorio's. Kurapika left his change of clothes in his backpack, the one he left in _Leorio's car_ but that girl took his friend home. She had driven the car at least, Leorio had been way too wasted.

This only reminds Kurapika how upset he is with Leorio.

He holds the fast food bag with one hand as he slowly opens the front door. Maybe if he's silent enough, he can get to his room and change before any suspicion can form in their heads.

It's a Sunday and he's fortunate to find they're sleeping in. He peacefully makes it to his room.

First, he needs to find a backup phone charger till he can get his main one back from Leorio. It doesn't take much searching, he plugs it in; then flop on his bed and thinks over everything that's happened.  
  
  


But Kurapika ends up falling asleep instead. The second time he wakes up for the day, it's just as disorienting. He feels around his bed to find his phone. 2:08. He got a sense of déjà vu.

There's a text from Leorio in his notifications and once he's awake enough, Kurapika angrily taps on it.  
  


_dude i am SO SORRY i didnt mean to do that i was so fuckin drunk_

_i couldnt even get it up if that makes u feel better_  
  


He makes a disgusted scoff, the only other sound in the room aside from the vibrating taps of his phone's keyboard.  
  


_It doesn't. I can't believe you._

_Feitan was there too. Did you know that? Did you bring me there just to fuck with me?_  
  


Kurapika knows that's not true but his ire took over and he wants Leorio to know how hurt he is. He holds his phone in a taut grip, waiting for the next text. But when Leorio calls instead, it's a tad startling and he considers not answering, just for a moment.

"I really had no clue, you know I wouldn't do that to you!" Leorio exclaims loudly as soon as he accepts the call.

"Either way, I was there because of you. And you left me!" Kurapika feels his face heat up as the volume in his voice rises. He's just hurt, and he wants to cry again.

"I was drunk! It wasn't on purpose, I'm telling you!"

"And _I'm_ telling _you_ that that's irrelevant! You shouldn't have drank if that was a possibility." He's starting to sound a little unreasonable but he doesn't feel wrong about being upset.

"Oh my god, I didn't know it was a possibility! Why can't you understand that?"

"I was ditched. I had no friends there, I got dragged into this–this fucking weed circle and-and _he_ was there and he..he–I'm just pissed, okay?"

"Kurapika, did he do something? What happened?" He hates how soft Leorio sounds, like he's lost his fight and he just wants to make sure Kurapika is okay. It just makes his rage flare.

"Nothin–ugh that doesn't matter! I'm just pissed–"

"It does matter, what happened?"

Kurapika almost growls into the receiver. "Just leave me alone!"

And with that, he hangs up. But he doesn't stop there. He turns his phone off too because he might cave in and answer if Leorio calls again or texts. They haven't fought this severely in a long time, but with Kurapika's stubbornness, these fights can get dragged out longer than they should.

But Kurapika just feels like giving him the cold shoulder right now, because he deserves it. He'll have to sit with not knowing what happened until Kurapika's wrath passes.  
  
  


Kurapika's still angry well into the next day as he's getting ready for school. The day already starts out rough; he oversleeps and misses the bus, so he has to apologize to his mom for a ride. Which she does give him, but she chews him out the whole time. He takes it in silence, because he never fights back when it comes to his parents. And it doesn't stop there.

"Remember, the packets are due tomorrow. For every page you don't do, it's an additional ten points off!"

When his calculus teacher announces that, Kurapika's heart sinks completely, and he can't help the knee-jerk reaction of slapping a hand over his mouth.

He completely forgot.

He had the weekend to do it, yet he completely forgot. Between the stress of the party and his fight with Leorio, it totally slipped his mind. The fact that finals are coming up this week makes it exponentially worse. In fact, it's nothing short of wholly suffocating. The urge to scream or cry, literally any release of emotion, gnaws at his throat. At the same time, he doesn't think he could even speak if he tried right now.

And so Kurapika goes home once more with a heavy ache in his muscles and an even heavier heart.  
  


On the bus ride home, his phone pings with more notifications from Leorio. Usually, Kurapika would've given in and answered at this point but he's just so tired, to the point of feeling unwell.

_He can make it better._

Kurapika shakes his head, like he could physically wring those thoughts from his head by doing so. He's gotten through these things just fine before, it's ridiculous that those words even took shape in his mind.

Soon enough, he's home, trudging past the living room and into his room. He wants nothing more than to dive into bed, but he needs to finish his assignment. He doesn't even know how many pages he has left, but the amount of work that teacher gives is almost always daunting.

Kurapika takes a seat at his desk, pulling the packet out of his backpack to get started. He thinks he can get through it with a single all-nighter though, so that gives him a little comfort. Eyeing the bottle of caffeine pills handy on his desk, he gets to work.  
  


It was about two hours later when his mother was shaking his shoulder to wake him up. He wakes with a jerk, immediately filled with horror that he lost some precious time on something as dumb as sleep. He turns to address his mother and find out what she needs.

"You're on babysitter duty tonight," she says, already turning to walk out before Kurapika calls after her.

"Wait! I can't," he pleads, still groggy, with sleep in his eyes. "I have this assignment due tomorrow, it–it's going to take all night."

"You were just dozed off, so it must not be _that_ important." She crosses her arms, with a domineering tap of her foot.

"I–I..it was an accident," he tells her, incredulous that she's being that stern. It's hardly out of place for his parents, but he thinks he deserves a bit of leeway after catering to every demand that was made of him. "I didn't even realize it."

"Just take it with you. I already told them you'll do it."

"I really can't afford to lose anymore time on thi–"

"Kurapika! Are you arguing with me?" she cries out, brows furrowed as her tapping foot stops. He has an especially hard time handling her like this.

"No! I'm just–I've babysat whenever you told me! Can you give me a break for once?" He can't control how his voice cracks, because he's close to crying.

"Oh, so you're going to raise your voice at me now? When did you get so disrespectful? Should I take that phone of yours?"

"Take it! Please, just let me focus on this tonight!"

She scoffs, and Kurapika can tell she's about to shut him down.

"You're going, that's it. Go get your stuff, your father's starting the car." She doesn't allow another word, storming out of the room before he can even think of what to say.  
  
  
  


Kurapika really does love Gon and Killua. That's why, for their sake, he plans on staying quiet, because he's so frustrated. He doesn't want to snap at those undeserving of it.

Right now, he's curled up on a couch at the Zoldycks', waiting for Gon's aunt to drop him off. He's trying as hard as he can to give his attention to his homework but it's difficult without his workspace. His head's all over the place, the numbers on the page might as well be scrambled to him.

Soon, he sees Mito's car pull up out the window and sets his work to the side to greet her at the door.

"Hello, Gon, Ms. Freecss," Kurapika says, holding the door open so Gon can run in, all three of them can hear Killua running downstairs excitedly. They're already giggling and padding off together before Kurapuka or Mito could get a word in.

Mito smiles, greeting him back, and he notices the Tupperware she's holding out. At least she made them dinner this time, Kurapika really didn't have the time to spare.

"Thank you, its a huge help." He gives a forced smile as he takes the container, and it shows. She gives him a concerned look.

"Are you okay, dear? You..don't look so well." He gives her a dismissive wave.

"I'm just fine, don't worry! Please, enjoy your evening."

She doesn't look swayed, but fortunately that's where her questions end. She stands there, apprehensive before thanking him and walking away. Kurapika closes the door with a sigh. It's unnerving how he wears his distress on his sleeve. It's even worse that he lacks the energy to address it.  
  


After a few hours of not managing to solve a single question, Kurapika gives up on trying to finish. He'll just complete what he can once he gets home, which is only a few more hours from now. _At least it won't be a zero,_ he tries comforting himself, but it's too onerous to pretend like it's not bothering him. Gon and Killua can obviously tell he's stressed, as they eat their dinner now while Kurapika sits at the couch, hunched over. His elbows are digging into his knees while he rubs his temples. His head is killing him, he just wants to sleep.

Gon and Killua also know how stubborn he is, so for now, they choose not to comment on it.  
  


The time is passing by quick enough; there's only one more hour till Killua's parents are supposed to be home. _I can do this,_ Kurapika tells himself once more as he grabs a cup of water to help him down another tablet of caffeine. His stomach feels so empty, like it's going to cave in and there's a tremor to his whole body but he's doing his best to block out those sensations, because if he admits something hurts, he'll just slow down. No matter what it is, he has to ignore the pain.

These platitudes are destroyed with the next text he receives. He assumes it's Leorio again and he only means to give it a glance but the contact name almost makes his heart stop. He unlocks his phone and races to read the text like a man possessed.  
  


_didn't know you were such a slut now_  
  


Attached to that text was a picture. It was a scene from his own memory, the way Feitan must have seen it. The image was of him in Chrollo's lap outside at the party. His face heats up, in shame, anger—he doesn't really know. This was getting to be more than he could bear.  
  
  
  


_On a cool, fall evening, Kurapika heads into a local coffee shop. It was one that had been around longer than he could remember, always passing with intentions of dropping in sometime, but it was always pushed away with the promise of later._

_The bells chime as the door opens then closes, and Kurapika looks around the little shop. He was here to meet a classmate so they could finish a project. It appeared they hadn't arrived yet, so Kurapika takes a seat by the window. He doesn't really care to have any overly sweet coffee right now, he's still a little nauseous from skipping meals to catch up on other work. But he swears to himself that he'll grab something to eat as soon as this meeting ends._

_There's an abrupt tap on his shoulder and he whips around, assuming it's his classmate. He quickly discovers it's not; its a short man donning a bandana with a skull. The rest of his ensemble is covered by a long black coat, most likely to keep warm in the cooler weather._ Still, it seems partly excessive, this guy must get cold easily, _Kurapika considers._

_The man hasn't said anything yet, but his stare is unnerving so Kurapika takes it upon himself. But Kurapika feels like he's done something wrong before he even spoke._

_"Um, can I help you?" He asks, attempting to sound polite but he still sounds rather awkward_

_"Not really. Are you here alone?"_

" _For now. I'm just waiting on some classmates."_

_The short man just gives a hum of acknowledgment._

_"A shame. But here." He's digging in his coat pocket, pulling his phone out. After quickly unlocking and pulling up a contact tab, he turns the phone around to Kurapika."You're pretty hot. Put your number in."_

Letting Feitan in his life had been the first mistake. At first, it felt like a miniscule rebellion against his goody-two shoes image, messaging back and forth with this scary-looking bad boy. But in the end, he just turned out to be more than just bad; he was truly _awful._  
  


Kurapika didn't even realize how noticeably uneven his breathing was until both kids rushed over to check on him.

"Kurapika! What's wrong?" Gon reaches out with an unconfident hand, because he doesn't want to make things worse.

"What happened?" Killua's the next to exclaim. Kurapika can tell they're trying not to overwhelm him with questions, but their concern is overflowing.

He leaps off the couch and rushes past them. "I just— I need a moment."

He hurries down the hall and into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He can barely catch his breath, the lack of proper oxygen to his brain makes the room spin, and he slides down the door to slump to the ground—his legs aren't steady enough to hold him afloat any longer.

Now that he's locked himself away, he covers his face with his hands and sobs. He sobs so hard he's choking. That combined with the nausea bubbling around his stomach makes him feel close to vomiting. Despite the fear of that happening, he can't calm down, it takes everything in him to crawl close enough to the toilet just in case.

He was wrong.

He can't live like this anymore.  
  
  


It takes the remainder of the hour for him to calm himself down. He grabs a washcloth to cover in water and hold to his puffy eyes. He still undoubtedly looks like a mess, but things feel out of his control now. He can't make himself care about that right now.

Gon and Killua have no idea how to approach him, how to help someone they care for who's suffering so much.

Kurapika doesn't blame them. He's not looking to them for help right now.

As he walks down the hall, he hears Killua's parents come in. He's relieved that he narrowly avoided the kids' questioning for now. He takes a deep breath and pushes forward to grab his homework and say goodbye to everyone.

When Kikyo offers to give him a ride home, Kurapika responds "no thank you, ma'am, my parents are picking me up." She doesn't make any comments about how hoarse his voice sounds. Just gives a bewildered face and nods.

"Okay, dear. Have a good evening."

Kurapika nods and walks out the front door. He pulls his phone out to text his mom.

_Mrs. Zoldyck is giving me a ride home so you and dad can go to bed now._

Her reply is pretty quick, she must've been sitting by waiting for confirmation like that.

_Alright sweetie, lock the door on your way in!_

With that settled, he continues walking down the sidewalk. The night air is the most refreshing thing he's felt in the last two days. His thumb hovers over a contact name briefly before swallowing hard and tapping it.  
  


Kurapika's surprised how quickly he picks up, he's not prepared to start talking yet.

"Hello?" he hears through the phone and swallows again.

"I–uh it's me," he stampers out, "Uh, Kurapika.

He can almost hear that overly polite smile through the phone.

"And how can I help you tonight, Kurapika?"

"I'm..uh. I don't feel so..I–" he doesn't know why it's so hard to get any coherent thought out. Talking to Chrollo again is as exhilarating as it is terrifying. Chrollo patiently waits through a little more of his stuttering before speaking up.

"Text me your address." Before Kurapika can explain the situation, Chrollo's already hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all are liking it so far!
> 
> if you wanna talk to me abt kurokura, here's my

**Author's Note:**

> im having fun writing this so please lemme know your thoughts! if other ppl are interested in it, I'll get on the next chapter asap!


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